I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
