My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
