she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
