apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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