I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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