Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize