hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Randomize
