Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
