I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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