I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
