saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Randomize
