You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
