You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
