I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
