Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
