I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
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