I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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