Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
