I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
