Dork........ .......... .. . ...... ........... .. . ... ...... .. . .... ..... .. .... ... .......... .... . . ..... Yeah its morse code, no big deal
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
