I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
