3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Randomize
