Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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