You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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