Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Randomize
