come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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