got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
