Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
