u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
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