apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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