I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
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