True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
