In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
