Just fell off a train. Bad.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
There r osticjed everywhere
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize