Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
