life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
