those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
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