i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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