I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
