you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
