I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize