hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Randomize
