rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
