Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
