I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
