A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
