You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Randomize
