remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
