seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
