its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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