I cannot find my penis.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Randomize