I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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