so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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