I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Randomize
