Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
